That was close...Fortunately? Unfortunately?

I was just about to place my total trust in someone the other day and as you've read in one of my earlier posts that can take quite a long, long time to do. I was about to have a deep conversation with this person and say all these things from the heart. I waited a day and I'm glad I did. I won't go into detail here but basically what happened is you hear one thing from a person and they do the opposite. This incident brought back memories of how this person has always said they are on my side etc... etc... but when it comes down to it NEVER spoke up on my behalf, backed me or defended me. Please note I have done all the things mentioned for this person. I eventually overlooked this until the next time it happened but this latest incident has brought this forth again. So, it's back to square one. It's similar to those people who say to your face they agree with you 100% etc... but when it comes to speaking up they clam up when you need them. It's not that they don't still agree with you but they just seem to lose their voice when you need them the most. I have this defensive side to me because I was hurt very badly before. I want to continue my friendship but it's just taken a few steps back now. I can drop feeling hurt or angry but my guard will always be up for sometime again.

I don't mean to make this blog a whiny, complaining, "oh woe is me" blog. I'm not looking for sympathy just a place to vent. So from now on it'll be a happy place....until the next person pisses me off. ;-) LOL! Just kidding.

SimonT & Ann

SimonT & Ann

This photo of the gorgeous Simon Townshend and myself was taken in August 2002 in Chicago (Tinley Park) after the Who concert. One of the best experiences and concerts of my life. I also met Rabbit Bundrick and caught a glimpse of the very tall Pino as he floated in and out of the meet and greet area. I'll post the pic of Rab and myself another night as well as one I have with Zak Starkey. All very, very nice and charming guys.

My Little Mod

My Little Mod

This is my son, Kazuo James. His name means "man of peace" - one can only hope he will live up to his name. His middle name is in honour of his late Great Uncle Jim. But personally I'd like to think he's named after Jimmy from Quadrophenia - my favourite movie and one of my favourite Who albums. When I was carrying this little Mod not a week would go by where I would press my pregnant belly against one of the speakers with Quadrophenia playing. No, no not the entire album I would select a song each week. When I look at this picture I like to think Kazuo looks a little like Keith Moon especially with his long hair (which has since been cut short). This little Mod came along to the 2003 The Shout Who Convention with me without me knowing he was coming along for the ride. I found out I was pregnant the day after I came home from London.

He is my world.

Not the Real Me

I'm feeling quite frustrated at the moment. I feel as though I've been misunderstood or rather my personality has been misunderstood. Unfortunately I haven't been given the chance to "redeem" myself. So I use my blog to vent some frustration and straighten some things out. Rather than rant I will just tell you briefly about myself.

I'm just your average Canadian woman. I'm normally a shy person and quiet. I love to laugh and have a sarcastic side to me. I'm deep. I'm married with an adorable (if I do say so myself) 1 1/2 year old son. I'm not a nutter and for some stupid reason anytime I try to reach out and do something nice it's taken the wrong way. I want to do things for people and I certainly do not expect anything in return. It seems as though this is what gets me into trouble. Almost two years ago a friend of someone I admire and respect thought that my "niceness" may mean I was willing to do something extra. Of course I didn't but I was pretty upset and wondered and worried if this creep would brag about something that didn't happen to this person I admired so much. I have a feeling this is all coming back to haunt me now and it really has me upset (i.e hurt upset not angry upset). I just can't win. I'm sorry I ever crossed paths with this creep and I'm sorry if I ever made any of you out there feel so uncomfortable that you felt you had to avoid me.

I've said my peace and now I can move forward...

Mind Fuck

Losing my mind. Going out of my mind. Mind fuck. Insanity. Funny how the darkness of the night seems to stimulate the mind rather than calming it. Perhaps the darkness only masks the truth rather than allowing it to go away. It's 11:00 p.m., I have to get up at 5:00 a.m. but here I am wide awake. I cannot shut my mind off. I hate when "it" does this. When "it" gets like this I go through everything from what has happened during the day to the 2002 Who concert in Toronto. Yes...I tell you the truth. At this point I waved the white flag, got out of bed and here I am now. So I sit in the light with pen in hand (not the computer) and my mind has calmed down but I am no longer tired. Mind fucking with myself. So I'll attempt to create a poem that I've been tossing around in my head. Please note for lack of a better description I'm calling the following a poem. I certainly do not consider it a true poem. I do not think I'm that good.

I
surrender
I
allow my spirit to be swept away.
Swirling within you
engulfed,
reconnected,
becoming
one.
Vibration
sends me beyond my mind,
heals,
comforts,
allowing...
peace.

That's all I have for now. I know it's not finished yet but the one thing with me is that I can't force myself to write. This is going to sound strange. I am a great writer without a pen in hand or on the computer. When I sit and think I can create some great stuff. I tell myself to grab a pen and start writing. It never works out for me. Once I start to write down what I've just created in my mind it never comes out the same. I honestly do not know how writers and song writers do it. I read through Pete's novella and I am in awe. Never mind the novella, the lyrics he has created are amazing.

I know I am not the only one who hears a song and thinks, "that's exactly how I feel". "Let My Love Open the Door" hit that note for me. So I understand the one note. We all can relate to that vibration, we are all connected in this respect. It just takes some of us longer to pay attention or to "get it". We are all on the same journey we just go through it differently. By differently I mean different artists, different music and whatever shit we are going through in our own lives at the time. But somehow we all meet on the same road. Isn't that why we are all here now by reading Pete's novella, reading eachother's blogs? Some of us are still searching, some of us are already there. We look towards the music and eachother to enhance the vibration, to perhaps reach that nirvana?

I know this is my reason.

Time: 12:20 a.m. EST

Night all.

Note: I just want to add that I wrote this blog entry prior to reading Chapter 4 of Pete's novella. The time listed is the time I finished copying my hand written notes.

Oh yes and I just want to say, Happy Belated Birthday Simon Townshend. Not that he reads my blog but I just needed to give my saluations to an amazing artist. Here's another artist who has that incredible gift of writing songs that touch the soul.