Oh so long...

Hello dear friends..that is if there's anyone out there who still faithfully returns here to see if I've finally written a new blog post. I know that I could just be talking to myself but that's okay. I know it's been a very long time. I'm not sure why I haven't come back here. Lack of time and energy or maybe a lack of interest.

Why now? Well...about 3 weeks ago something within me wanted to dig out one of my hand written journals and read through it. I think I wanted to remember a particular dream I had. After reading all the entries I felt sadden by the person I was then. I asked myself if I reverted back to childhood. My entries seemed so juvenile, so silly, so teenaged girlish. I actually felt embarassed by it and even contemplated burning the journal. But I didn't. I wanted to keep a record of my dreams and there were records of some events which made me who I am today. I think the journal just depressed the heck out of me. In it I also saw a person who allowed people to walk all over her. The events made me into someone I never was and I did nothing to defend myself.

I hope never to go there again. So for now I rebuild my soul and hold my head up and tell myself to stop fretting over what someone is doing, saying or becoming. Just concentrate on the me and being as true to myself as I possibly can.

I'm back...

k.d.

It's difficult enough to lose one cat but to lose another in a time frame of 2 months is beyond words. I've lost my child, k.d. He passed away on Feb. 8th in his sleep. k.d. was never the same since Divinity died but I thought he would come out of her death okay. He seemed to be more social around us. I made sure he received extra attention. He wanted to be around Kazuo more often and very close to him. He allowed Kazuo to hold him, pet him which was out of character for k.d. While he was a gentle cat he was also very skidish. k.d. was still eating but not as much as he normally ate. He didn't seem to have problems using the litter box but he looked so sad. He would have been 16 on Feb. 21st. It has taken me this long to sit and write about it. My apartment feels empty without the cats. I feel as though they are still around and still expect to see a feline face when I walk in the door. As with Divinity, I thought I heard k.d.'s meow after his death.

A week or so ago I had a dream I was in my kitchen. Out of the corner of my eye I saw something flash by in the hallway. I looked out and saw k.d. there. I remember thinking in my dream that this was not possible because k.d. was dead. I looked further down the hallway and saw Divinity just outside the bathroom door. She came running over and both of them rubbed their heads against my face. I could feel them, I could smell them, I could hear them. It felt so real. When I awoke I was extremely upset and just sobbed for quite some time. I couldn't shake it. Even now it is hard to write about this. Was this a sign from them to let me know they were okay? In a way I was relieved that they looked so healthy and happy in my dream.

Rest in peace my sweet boy, k.d. I miss you terribly.

My guys...

I am out voted in this family. My guys are Oxford United fans and alas...I am a Liverpool United fan. Regardless my love for them is infinite.

Death

My blog was to briefly mention the death of my other blog - Face Dances. It was a great place to rant and vent but in the end I became very bored of it. So it ceased to be today.

Then my focus changed after receiving a call from my best friend. It was to let me know her (step) father passed away. We knew this was coming two months ago. How the doctors can predict these things I don't know but they were pretty close to the date of his death. Gerry was like a second father to me. He called me his "adopted daugther". He had a wonderful sense of humour, was playful, youthful and warm. His death has not hit me yet. I am still trying to send my energy to a co-worker W who lost her father on Christmas Eve. Both of these men had cancer. While the co-worker W's father's ultimate cause of death was from a heart attack it stemmed from an operation he had on the 22nd to remove a cancerous growth on his lung. His lung had to be removed and in the process they "accidently" nicked an artery which caused a lot of blood loss.

There has been an aura of death around our department at work. I think I may have mentioned this once before. Another co-worker D within a matter of two months lost two close friends, a cousin, her uncle (who was co-worker W's father in law) and her father. My supervisor lost her mother in law and a former co-worker K lost her mother in law as well. I lost my Divinity. Now we have these two recent deaths. It's all too much. We all agreed we weren't going to wish eachother a Happy New Year or say we were looking forward to 2007. Instead we agreed just to say, good riddance to 2006 and take 2007 day by day. I have often wondered if the planets were out of alignment this year because there has been so much upheaval. All this just empathizes how short life is and to move forward not backwards.

Divinity

On Sunday, Dec. 17th I lost my beloved daughter. Her name was Divinity and she was my cat but more than anything she was my child. Divinity had been sick for a while. That Sunday morning she took a turn for the worse. We knew she would not last until the morning. She had stopped eating and we knew she was close to the end. She was a stray, found on the campus of McMaster University in front of Divinity College. She was skin and bones thin and pregnant. The vet at the time predicated she was 1 1/2 to 2 years in age. If she was accurate Divinity was approaching her 18th year on this planet.

Around 7:15 I heard her lightly meowing and knew she was very close. Instincts told me to go to her. I went into the bathroom where she was laying and noticed her breathing was laboured, I knew for sure this was it. I wrapped her up and took her into the living room with me. The one thing that was important to me was that she not die alone so my mind is at rest that she wasn't. She fought it but once Emmett and I reassured her not to worry we would be fine and to just let go she relaxed as we stroked her. Her spirit left us as she took her last breath. She died at around 7:20pm. Kazuo stroked her and hugged her and said, "sweet dreams Divinity". I tried explaining it to him but I know he didn't understand. But I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt.

She gave us many years of unconditional love, protection and warmth. I feel as though I have lost a part of me. We do have another cat named, k.d. who is approaching his 16th birthday. Emmett gave me a significant amount of time with Divinity's shell after she had died. I was completely devastated. Finally, he gently took her from me and took her into our bedroom where k.d. was sleeping. He spent his time with her and then allowed k.d. his time. I think in times like this we tend to forget the other animals in the family and that they also need to mourn. After a while I checked in on him and he was sitting next to her shell looking at her. He has been fairly quiet this past week and I've been trying to spend more time with him. A couple of times the night Divinity died I thought I could hear her meowing, was this her way of saying she was fine? I'd like to think so.

She is going to be cremated and after Christmas we will receive her remains back. I know it is only her shell and what is most important is that her spirit is well and floating around somewhere. However, it's the last final piece I have left of her physical being. When it is my time to leave his planet she will be buried with me.

I know my friend, David is looking after her for me and I know being with her in her last moments we've somehow helped her go forward into the other side. But it doesn't change one thing and that is I still miss her terribly.

You'll always be in my heart my sweet Divinity. xo

Mushroom Compound

My apologies to String, I meant to post this a lot sooner than this. I had posted a comment about a Mushroom compound targeted for people with cancer. String, I did get in contact with my friend, Bill and this is the info he provided me.

First off I was incorrect, it was not a 5 mushroom mixture but a 22 mushroom mixture. Bill couldn't tell me the type of mushrooms in the tablet but he was able to tell me what it does, where to get it and the name of the company which makes it. I did a Google search and found the company but they did not list the ingredients and I could only find a 14 mushroom mixture. The company which makes it is Nikken. Hopefully this link works and it will take you directly to the product. If you go into this company's site make sure you choose Canada as your country. I cannot locate it when I select the default U.S. location. Bill told me research has shown that mushrooms can "shut down different cancers and it can be cancer specific". I asked him who discovered this or where this research came from and he couldn't remember the exact details other than he thinks this info came from New Zealand. He also recommends for those who had cancer and has gone through treatment to take the Garlic/Mushroom combination which is made by Kyolic, specifically Immune Booster Formula 103. Once again, I selected the country as Canada to get to this site. In this link it actually tells you the 5 different mushrooms used to make up the capsule.

Hopefully this info will help your friends who recently discovered they have (breast) cancer. If you have any more questions please either ask me here or email me and I can contact Bill again. He's a great guy and won't mind more questions.

"A Special Love Story"

LOVE STORY

I will seek and find You . .
I shall take you to bed
and have my way with you.

I will make you ache,
shake & sweat until
you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy,
beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm
finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be
weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu